5 reasons why there're no point in tidying up - and 1 time when you should

"A messy house is a loving house" I tell myself. And "Nobody notices but me"(which can't possibly be true).

I constantly struggle with the guilt of not tidying up. You'd think it would be easier to just tidy than to suffer so. But here are 5 reasons why not tidying up is the right thing to do. And then there is one time when even I get to work...

Don't tidy up because:

1. The kids will be home in seven hours, and they'll only mess things up again... - So really, what's the point?

2. How will the children ever learn responsibility if you always pick up after them? - It's a moral imperative that you leave the toys on the floor.

3. The cleaner will be here on Wednesday - I know that contradicts number 3, but life is about contradictions (and hypocrisy comes with the territory). 

4. You've got errands to run - tidying can be done by anyone, but only you can choose the perfect shade of white for the bathroom walls.

5. It covers the stains on the carpet - Since the kids put the stains in the carpet, it's only fair that you should use their toys to disguise the damage. If you want to get across the room, though, you may have to learn to fly.

Do tidy up because:

Your mother is coming to visit - if it wasn't for the threat of my mother's disdain, I'd never find out where everything goes.

To tidy or not to tidy - that is the question... What do you think?

10 ways in which toddlers are like teenagers:

You could call parenting a toddler a trial-run for parenting a teenager. Or you could call parenting a teenager post-traumatic stress syndrome from the time you served with toddlers. Either way - it helps to know you've seen it all before (or - you'll see it all again...)

Growing is hard work!

10 ways in which toddlers are like teenagers:

1. They sleep most of the morning - Both toddlers and teenagers love a four-hour nap. The only difference is, you congratulate the one and berate the other.

2. They just want to party all night - Well, if you will sleep all day... At least teenagers don't insist their parents come along.

3. They have selective hearing - Don't know what I mean? Compare the response to the instruction 'Come here please.' to the question 'Who wants ice-cream?'. Hearing magically restored? I thought so.

4. They know that if they nag long enough, you'll probably give in - whether it's the car keys or another cracker, the principle's the same. 

5. They are convinced that the rest of the world exists purely to serve their every whim and desire - Which, of course, is true.

6. They are intrigued by the big wide world - Toddlers are intrepid explorers on a voyage of discovery, checking out every dirty and dangerous thing they find along the way. Teenagers are the same - determined to go out there and find out what secrets their parents have been maliciously withholding from them (read - protecting them from) all this time.

7. They have no regard for other people's property (see point 5) - Whether they chew your iphone to death or sell it on eBay, the end result's the same.

More is more when it comes to accessories

8. Their fashion sense is... umm... experimental - Red with pink? Not a problem. Dirt-stained denim? That's how it's supposed to look. Ill-fitting t-shirts? Who cares if it's got a picture of a unicorn on it? Converse with a party dress? Of course!

9. A visit to the loo can take all day - Teenagers, like toddlers can make a three-day festival out of what the rest of us manage in moments. Unless they're actually at a three-day festival...

10. They will happily eat cereal at any time of day (or night) - where there are toddlers, there will be Cheerios. By the time they're teenagers, they'll probably have progressed to Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. But as far as I'm concerned, it's a qick and easy way to satisfy grouchy kids. More than once have I wondered, what did parents feed their children before breakfast cereals were invented? They cooked? No, really...

Truth is, I haven't got any teenagers yet - but I'm bracing myself. Any insights anyone?

Union of Parents - The Unwritten Rules

 

• Members will not do the school run looking too fabulous

• Members will not offer advice where it is not wanted

• Members will help each other out wherever possible

• Members will judge fellow members favourably - no matter how bad things look

• Members will not undermine other members in front of the children

• Members will not discipline any child who is not currently under their care

• Members will not bake superior homemade goods and share them out in a context that puts other members to shame

• Members will not have permanently tidy homes

• Members will not make parenting look too easy

You know there's a newborn in the house because...

The first month with a new baby is a surreal time. There's nothing quite like it. And there are a few hallmarks of life with a newborn. See if you recognise these:

You know there's a newborn in the house when...

...your hair smells of vomit...

...you have to book a time to take a shower...

...you have been in pyjamas for the past two weeks...

...you think it's normal to eat an entire bag of Maltesers whilst nursing at 2am...

...you've read three novels this week...

...your body feels like a deflated waterbed...

...you haven't seen your shoes for days...

...you can swaddled in your sleep...

...you've got a pile of 0-3 month party dresses to return...

...you've no idea what the weather's like...

...you think the dawn chorus means it's time to go to bed...

...you walk around the house with a bottle of water, a bag of Kettle chips and a muslin...

...your laundry just quadrupled...

...you've lost your sense of humour...

...if you can't do a thing one-handed, then you can't do it...

...your boss weighs 3.3kg and has lungs like a hyena's...


That's my list. Which points do you recognise? And tell me -

How do you know there's a newborn in the house?

A step-by-step guide on how to bathe a baby

Bathing a newborn is one of the most wonderful jobs in parenting. Possibly the most wonderful. But I
recently heard a friend say that she hated bathing her newborn because she was so nervous.

So here's my step-by-step guide to bathing your newborn. It's a very quick job - so don't blink or you'll miss it.

1. Pick your moment wisely: The goal is to make bath time a relaxing and bonding experience. Newborn babies stay pretty clean. With the exception of the nappy zone, and the folds in their neck which collect all the spit-up, they really don't get very dirty. So try to approach bath time as an activity you can share with your baby rather than a chore on your to-do list. 

If you're following The Baby Whisperer (which I love) then you'll know that an activity comes after eating and before sleeping. Warning: do not try to bathe a hungry newborn! It will not be relaxing. It's also not advisable to bathe a tired baby, or one who's just eaten. So the window for a good bath-time is actually quite narrow. 

2. Equipment: A full-size bath is fine, although to save water you may want to place a baby bath inside it. If you had a caesarean, or if you just want to protect your back, look for a baby bath with a stand. These can be filled using the shower head and will drain through a pipe at the bottom. If you've got the space in your bathroom, this would be my top choice for comfort and ease. You do not need a baby bath seat - these take all the fun, and much of the cleaning power, out of bath time. 

2. Run the bath - Make sure the bathroom is warm and run a shallow bath. Put a few squeezes of baby bubble bath in (I like Johnson&Johnson's 2-in1with a press-down pump). Check the water temperature with your bare elbow. It should feel just on the warm side of your body temperature. 

3. Get everything in place - Prepare your baby's towel and shampoo (I would use the Johnson's 2-in-1 again). You will need to put these next within reach of your arm that won't be holding your baby. This is really important because you will never let go of you baby in the water, so if you don't put it within reach before hand, and there's no one around to help, you won't be able to get it later. You may also want to bring the changing mat and clean clothes for after the bath into the bathroom 

4. Undress the baby - It's nicer for the baby if you undress him in the warm bathroom, on a changing mat on a counter or the floor. It's the changes in environment and temperature that will startle him into screaming, so the more you can limit moving him about, the better.

5. The best bit - Hold your undressed baby with his head in the crook of your wrist, his neck well supported, and his shoulder in between your thumb and forefinger. You can lower him slowly into the water now. (Use picture for reference.) Try to dip his feet in first and then submerge the rest of his legs and trunk. This will startle him less than if you dip his bottom in first. 

Rock your baby forward and back, allowing the water to swish over him. Run a soapy hand over his body to clean him (you do not need a sponge). Pay particular attention to the nappy area and under his chin. As I said, these are really the only dirty bits. If his belly button cord hasn't yet dropped off, it doesn't matter, you can ignore it. 

6. A tricky bit - getting the baby out safely and smoothly means picking up the towel in you free hand and positioning it over your shoulder. Then you can lift out your baby, place him against your shoulder and wrap him in the towel.

7. Before you dress him - kiss him - there's nothing yummier than a soggy baby!

Coming soon... Baby Massage - an Introduction

Parenting - will you survive it or will you thrive on it?

To Thrive or To Survive?

Are you still convinced that parenting will be one long kodak moment? 

Or have you come to the conclusion that the best you can do is to keep your head under the parapet until you can legally turf you children out of the house at 18? 

Maybe, like me, you find yourself flitting between the two extremes all... day... long...

I call it thruviving - it's a combination of 'thriving' and 'surviving' - and it's the most I aspire to.

I really feel that anything else is setting yourself up for failure. You can't expect every moment of parenting to be a delight, nor should you accept that it will always be horrible. Like anything else in life, parenting is all about the journey. 


Parenting is an extreme sport

Unlike most other areas of life, with parenting, the 'good' moments can be so wonderful (when we remember to notice them) whilst the tough ones can be monumental. And oh, how quickly it can switch from one to the other!

Like adults, children are full of contradictions. They can be shy, and they can be wild; they can reasonable, and they can be hysterical; they can be easy-going, and they can be enormously demanding. 
My husband says they take after me.

Navigating the turns

I think I once learned that motorcyclists 'lean in on the turns'. That's what I try to do with my children. For some reason, when they get really silly, my husband and I react by getting really serious. Mistake! The family is pulled in two different directions - adults vs kids. And you know that always ends in tears. 

If, instead, we 'lean in' to the mood, allowing it, joining in, letting it run its course, without letting the kids go wild, we spare ourselves the tears and aggravation. Better than that - we create a wonderful family memory. It's counter-intuitive, but it works. 

Make a choice

Very often, maybe always, the only difference between surviving and thriving, is mind-set. If I can get into the mind-set of a thriving person - a person who feels pleasure and pride in her daily life - then even the most annoying thing becomes merely a hurdle in the race of life...

But if I'm in my survival mind-set - where I just keep reminding myself 'it will all be over soon' - I just live for bedtime. I'm rushing through our life, missing all the good stuff.

Remember why you wanted kids

Free and single is not all it's cracked up to be. Remember? When I was single, I wanted to be married; once we were married, we wanted to be parents. Because human beings want to expand, we long to invest, we need to create.

We wanted all this! The mess, the nappies, the nightshift, the constant drain on all our resources, the constant challenge to our peace of mind. We were bored before.

I'm certainly not bored now.

Which Baby Book should I follow?

Once you've learned the ropes, you'll only need to have your baby books on the shelf for reference and to lend out, along with a knowing look, to all your pregnant friends. But for a first time parent, I think a baby book is essential reading.


What is a 'Baby Book'?

A Baby Book is a beginners' guide to babies. It takes over from your erstwhile bible, the Pregnancy Book. It will usually start by advising you what to pack for the baby when you go into hospital, how to latch your baby on in the delivery room, and what you should expect from the first few hazy weeks with a newborn.

Then it will introduce the idea of a routine, or schedule. These will vary from book to book. FYI - when you hear a friend say 'I'm Gina Ford-ing' what she means is 'I'm following the Gina Ford daily schedule." More on this later on.

The baby book will give you an overall idea of what the first year of parenting will look like. Think of it as an instruction manual for babies.


The stakes are high!

If you bought a new TV, you'd probably flick through the manual before deciding you'd work it out yourself. If you bought yourself a brand-spanking-new car, you'd open the manual long enough to find out what all the buttons do. But if I put you behind the wheel of a Boeing 747, you'd learn as much as you could about flying the thing before take-off. That's because the stakes are high.

In no endeavour could the stakes be as high as they are in raising children. It's life-or-death, it's make-or-break - and I don't just mean physically, but emotionally and psychologically too. If you want to raise a healthy, well-adjusted person, you'd better start thinking about it now. It's harder than it looks.

I have heard parents say "parenting will come naturally to me". I have never heard a doctor say "medicine will come naturally to me". If a doctor wants to succeed at his vocation, he will study it. How much more so a parent - who's potential for impact is so much greater?


How to choose your book

Which book is right for you depends very much on who you are and what your needs are. Do you need the security of an rigid framework or will you cope better with a more fluid system? Are you determined to breast-feed against all odds or are you planning to wait and see how it goes?

The book is a tool to help you manage your new life as a parent - so choose one that suits your lifestyle. There are tons of these on the market, but here my top choices:

Gina Ford - The Contented Little Baby

You'll either love this book or hate it. Either way its worth reading because there's a lot to be learned from Gina Ford. I found her schedule too rigid. But I've known parents and babies to thrive on the structure which she gives to an otherwise unstructured stage.

A word of warning: Gina Ford is often implemented by first-timers. It's very rare that you'll be able to maintain her level of rigidity once there's two kids or more to factor in. But once you've learnt her principles, they'll always be in your parenting toolbox.

Tracey Hogg's - The Baby Whisperer

This book is much more mellow (it's my favourite). She gives all the basic baby info that Gina Ford gives plus an amazing guide to what each different newborn cry means. This is invaluable when you're tearing your hair out looking for the volume switch on your baby. (Hint - there isn't one.)

There are two acronyms in The Baby Whisperer which do it for me. 

The first is S.L.O.W - Stop, Listen, Observe and figure out What's up. This parenting tool is by now embedded in the way I (try to) do things. With newborns and with bigger kids, remembering to think before you leap always helps.

The second is her E.A.S.Y. routine - Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. She explains it at length, but basically those are the four stages which you repeat over a three hour cycle for the first few months of you baby's life. 

I like this routine because it anticipates the baby's needs, and because I always know where I'm up to without having to look at my watch. When all you want to do is find out what the baby wants, The Baby Whisperer is there to help.


Dr Spock

Sometimes the oldies are the goodies. Not so much with Dr Spock. Credit where it's due - Dr Spock introduced the world to the idea of educating parents about their babies. 

What happened to all the children born before then? Who knows. But Dr Spock represents the recognition that parenting doesn't necessarily 'come naturally' and that society no longer supports new parents through extended family and community. 

The bottom line is, he didn't tell me anything useful that I hadn't read everywhere else. 



What to Expect in the First Year
is much more up-to-date than Dr Spock, and gives information rather than guidance. A brilliant reference book to have on the shelf.



The literature they give you in hospital

It's really good, especially the Bounty magazine. But remember to take everything with a pinch of salt. As NHS publishers, they have take a specific approach. But as findings on SIDS, breastfeeding, health and related issues change, so will the NHS guidance. 

I know a mum who had her first child thirty years ago when the advice was to put babies to sleep on their backs. With her subsequent children, and new scientific evidence, she was told to put the babies to sleep on their fronts. By the time she had her youngest, twelve years after the first, the NHS line had returned to sleeping babies on their back. This woman, and her babies, were literally turned 360 degrees by NHS advice.

As a responsible parent, I try to follow NHS advice as much as I possibly can. But I also try to  remember that my children are individuals, not statistics, and that their needs may differ from the norm.

To sum it all up

If you only read one Baby Book, read the free stuff in the hospital. If you're going to buy one, I like the Baby Whisperer the best. But really, if this is your first baby, you may as well get stuck in and read the lot - you'll never have the time again.